Well, it did.

But with the last revelation, I feel lighter, relieved, like I'm recovering from a major, painful, operation, still weak and fumbling. It's like I forgot how to be happy.

Unless changes are made, I'll never be able to be fully happy again. Unfortunately these changes seem implausible.

I can't keep lingering here, I have to change, move, do anything that makes me busy and stops me from dwelling. I need to care less.

Right now, there's a bubble of happiness inside me that keeps swelling.
I hope it doesn't pop too soon.

Well, this is odd. A day that I actually planned the time good enough. But damn, I slept at 6AM last night. Do I need to force myself to wake up early and spend a whole day cranky and sleepy to fix this shit? Also, my dreams are becoming so colourful, so clear, and when I wake up I can barely remember them.

Reflection of the day - If I was duller, stupider, and less passionate, would I be happier? I know 'Ignorance is bliss', but ignorance just drives ME insane. There are so many people with boring, slow lives who seem to be happy, like housewives who are content to sit within the confines of their homes and spend their lives blocking everything else out of their world.

Overall feeling - I've started the process of loving myself again, and being more optimistic. I'm content, albeit a little lonely.

Media of the day - The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus. WHAT THE FUCK? It was undoubtedly a good movie, but it was just IMPREGNATED with metaphor. The whole bloody thing was a metaphor. It was weird as hell. There were a lot of famous actors though - Johnny Depp, Heath Ledger, Collin Farrell and the likes.



Song of the day - REM are just so good for relaxing, or long bus rides.

My chasing dreams are starting to surface again from the looks of things - I used to have them almost every night. Though it was kind of ridiculous - it was Lord Voldemort chasing me. Last night was fun, I got a bit tipsy and started goofing around like I used to. And today is the first day of the 3 excruciatingly boring days ahead of me. (I bet you all thought I would be cheesy enough to say 'of the rest of my life')

Reflection of the day - Howcome pets seem to always look and act so much like their owners?

Overall Feeling - I'm holding up. Trying to be as normal as happy as possible, trying to take things less seriously. And I think it's working. I'm still confused - I don't really know I would define myself personality-wise. I'm still a mystery, even to myself.

Media of the day - Age of Freaking Mythology. Wow, I've become so addicted to this game. It's a mixture between Warcraft II, the original Age of Empires, and Black&White2. For all you fellow strategy game geeks out there, a must-have.

Song of the day - It's a cute song off the Gorillaz' new album, and it makes me feel better. By the way, the new album is highly suggested so all you Gorillaz fans make sure you check it out.

I still haven't got my insomnia sorted out. Damn my apparent need to sleep late for no reason. On the literally bright side, it's sunny out, and I'm looking forward for tonight.

Reflection of the day - What if society suddenly changed, and everyone started telling nothing but the truth?

The truth: "Hello potential new boss. You have a creepy lopsided grin and I wouldn't trust my daughter anywhere near you, but I totally need a job."
The spoken: "I consider myself tolerant and I refrain from judging anyone."
The truth:"Why are you trying so hard to be sexy and alluring? Your attitude doesn't stop you from looking like a 12-year-old".
The spoken: "Yes, she's got quite a bubbly character".
The truth: "Jesus she looks like a fucking TOAD. An OBESE toad. How the hell is she married? How did she have kids? How did she convince her husband to do THAT?"
The spoken: "Hi Miss, you look great today! Have you lost weight?"

Overall Feeling: I'm quite happy today. I feel like everything is falling into place, finally. I'm kind of nostalgic - I miss last year from April onwards and I think I'm going to miss sixth form.

FML of the day - 'Today, I had a strange icon showing on my BlackBerry and I couldn't figure out what the hell it was. I looked everywhere online thinking something was wrong with my phone. Turns out I had a text message. I haven't gotten a message in so long that I forgot what getting one looked like. FML'

Song of the day - This reminds me of better days, and gives me shivers, and hope.

Sometimes it feels like I have so much in my head that goes unspoken - so many crammed thoughts and memories. So this blog is called Mindbox - a tiny box of my mind, an output of thought and feeling.
For all you Harry Potter readers, you could consider it a virtual Pensieve.
I'll be posting random thoughts, feelings, and maybe some literature, with the possible addition of linked music or photos.

So, this is how my future blogs will look like.

Reflections of the day - I rather reflected today on how many people suffer tragic losses, heartbreaks, illnesses, and still manage to be happy. Is it just a facade, a facade of happiness, a forced state of mind in order for them to pull through? Or is it a real, self-induced happiness which they carry on feeling even when they're alone, away from others' eyes? If it is, the secret of happiness, I think, is different for all of us, but possible for every one of us.

Overall Feeling - I am still wounded, still healing. I still suffer bouts of unhappiness, of doubt, of despair and self-loathing, relentless flashbacks and regret. I still let my uncontrollable jealousy and anger cloud my reason. But I still feel that I'm healing, and becoming not the person I was before the first breakdown, but a better one. And I don't think it's a forced or induced state of mind. I'm glad I have Mr. Marble to help me through at least.
Before I was happy, funny, exuberant and optimistic, and that is the true me. With the coming of emotion-shattering events I became the opposite. With the healing process the real me is starting to crack through the barriers and shine through again. And when it's all over, I'll be happy, funny, exuberant, optimistic, AND stronger.

Media of the day - Alice in Wonderland! Not a bad movie (for a Disney production that is), but honestly I expected better. But I'll cut some slack - I'll bet Disney didn't allow Tim Burton to go the extra length of creepy he usually does - a pity, really. However I can see why Helena Bonham Carter and Johnny Depp are his favourite actors - They're OUTSTANDING actors. And always seem to thrive on roles of somewhat mentally challenged characters. (Which they seem to do quite often).


Song of the day - It's an odd but intriguing instrumental off the Dexter soundtrack.